I’m a Normal, Yes I Am.
In August of 2018, Elder Russell M. Nelson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon, or LDS Church), dropped a bombshell.
Seems the 93-year-old “prophet, seer and revelator” of the 15-million-member church had finally and completely soured on the one word that’s identified its believers for almost two centuries.
In a statement from the church, Nelson instructed the planet that the LDS faithful shouldn’t be called Mormons anymore. And lest ye be mistaken, this wasn’t his decision — it was the Lord’s.
“The Lord has impressed upon my mind the importance of the name He has revealed for His Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We have work before us to bring ourselves in harmony with His will.”
Later, during a trip to Canada, Nelson clarified that the church wasn’t changing its name — but merely correcting an "error.” He even offered some very literal logic to back up his, um, revelation: that this isn’t Mormon’s Church, but the Church of Jesus Christ.
(Of Latter-day Saints.)
Sidebar: Mormon is the name of the supposed editor-in-chief of the book in question — not unlike the Apostle Paul compiling the New Testament from a variety of sources. But I digress.
Now the church is admonishing its devotees and the rest of humanity (read: media outlets) to use the whole name of the church, and nothing but the name of the church.
So help you God.
No, literally. President Nelson subsequently said that using terms like Mormons and Mormonism — even the LDS acronym — is a “victory for Satan.”
After which he added: “It’s a command of the Lord.”
And just like that, millions of perfectly happy Mormons suddenly became ex-Mormons.
Russell M. Nelson, Anti-Mormon in Chief. Rather ironic.
“The Lord” had apparently been whispering in Elder Nelson’s ear for decades about this. All I can surmise is, he must be one special prophet for the Man Upstairs to reveal something so important to him — but not one single LDS president who came before.
And just like that, millions of perfectly happy Mormons suddenly became ex-Mormons.
Now that Nelson holds the reins of power, he’s pushing through his personal verbal vendetta.
All. The. Way. Through.
The world-famous Mormon Tabernacle Choir? No more.
Forget the group’s 300+ recordings and a Spotify channel boasting nearly 90,000 followers. The “corrected” name is now the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. Rolls off the tongue like molasses on a cold day in Provo.
Mormon Missionaries? No more.
They shall now be called… well, I have no idea what they’ll be called. The Definitely Not Mormon Missionaries? Those (cough-cough) Missionaries from Utah?
Stalkers?
I have to ask: Why is this happening right now, at this particular moment in history? Well, it seems clear that Nelson and his very-white, very old Twelve Apostles are reacting to two things.
1. Persistent and toxic cultural stigma surrounding the name “Mormon.”
2. A raunchy, hilarious skewering of the “Mormon” church that plays out nightly on theater stages across multiple continents.
THE FIRST THING: A NAME, A STIGMA
The Mormon label has always been a byword — one that conveys all kinds of embarrassing skeletons in the church’s closet: polygamy; a total ban on female leadership; absolute, unthinking obedience; rabid conservatism; even racism.
In 2010, to combat this negative perception (and the stubbornly flat growth of the church), the powers that be in Salt Lake City unveiled a slick new advertising campaign that, wait for it, completely embraced the Mormon appellation. It was a big, expensive media move to show how cool and normal Mormons are in our modern world.
The rallying cry was simple: I’m a Mormon.
The not-so-subtle message: Mormons are just like you, and you, and you! Mormons don’t have horns growing out of our heads. We don’t look like pioneers. We’ve got members with tattoos, by heck! We count mega rock stars among us. We even have have mixed-race families! With mixed-race kids! Gee whiz, would you look at us now!
Funny since this very well-produced, even tear-jerking ad campaign had its genesis in an annoyingly catchy children’s song from the ‘70s. One that — whoa, Daddy — completely embraced the peculiarity of Mormons. Bet you can’t guess what it was called:
“I’m a Mormon”
I’m a Mormon, yes I am!
And if you want to study a Mormon I’m a living specimen.
Maybe you think I’m just like anybody else you see,
But trust in my word, you’ll quickly observe,
I’m different as can be!
I’m a Mormon, through and through
So if you think I’m peculiar in the things I say and do
Remember, I know the rules, the do’s and don’ts
for happy, happy living
I know to say I will, I won’t
I try to be forgiving
Maybe you’d like me to tell you about the things I know are true
Then you can be a Mormon too!
Well. We’ve come a long way since then, haven’t we. Mr. Nelson wants to whitewash his religion clean of all that pesky peculiarity and emerge… magically clean and normal.
Move along, nothing to see here.
But not so fast — let’s dive into the second, other reason the LDS Church is doing what it’s doing.
OH YES, THAT SECOND, OTHER THING:
It’s a little thing called The Book of Mormon.
Yea, verily, the cornerstone of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But... when you Google that title, you’re likely to see results not about a sacred scripture, but a Broadway play.
The wildly popular musical comedy co-written by the creators of South Park.
Count ‘em: nine Tony awards. The highest-charting Broadway cast album in over four decades, reaching No. 3 on the Billboard charts.
All kinds of laughs, and all at the expense of Mormons. These days people see the Book of Mormon as a comedy, not a book. And certainly not a sacred one.
Joseph Smith and Brigham Young would be spinning in their graves. If they weren’t, you know, busy spending eternity in the Celestial Kingdom with their dozens of wives apiece.
These days people see the Book of Mormon as a comedy, not a book. And certainly not a sacred one.
I think I know someone else who is preturbed about all of this sinful laughing.
That’s right: President Russell M. Nelson.
And here’s the really complicated part about his wish to be rid of a word that just won’t go away.
Dude, the book that defines what you believe features your least favorite word on its cover!
It’s deemed holy by millions (even if it’s been thoroughly debunked by scholars). But you can’t change one word of it — certainly not the word “Mormon.”
Oh, but... Wait a second. Why not?
Why can’t the Mormon president just... change the name of The Book of Mormon? After all, he’s got a direct line to The Lord. He’s a modern-day prophet.
I mean, it’s become clear that the LDS authorities are more than willing to flip-flop when they feel threatened.
Uproar over black people and the priesthood? Oh, here’s a nifty new revelation that says black people can be church leaders, too!
Polygamy? Done and done, we’ll totally take statehood over multiple wives! (It’s weird anyway, what were we thinking?)
But seriously, if Russell M. Nelson wants to blot out the word Mormon once and for all, he should start at the source. All it’s gonna take is a little late-night, fever-dream revelation, and voila! Awesome new book title with zero stigma. A few options:
The Mook of Bormon
The Book of Anything But Mormon
The Not Mormon Book At All, What Are You Crazy?
The Book of Shhh!
The B of M. Not to be confused with “bowel movement.”
The Book of Mormon, But He’s Not the Guy We Worship (It’s Jesus)
Just a Book, Nothing To See Here
The Book of Puts Fingers in Ears and Says La La La La
Say Mormon and a Kitten Dies: A True Story
But let’s not stop there — surely we can come up with a better name for the Tabernacle Choir Formerly Known as Mormon:
The Completely Normal Tabernacle Choir
The So-Not-Mormon Tabernacle Choir
The Mo-Tab$ (very hip!)
350 Singers With No Weirdness Whatsoever
The Choir That Sings in Salt Lake City
The Wink, Wink Tabernacle Choir
The Satan Won’t Win Choir
The We-Were-Commanded-to-Sing Singers
We Sing, Don’t Read Too Much Into It
The fun just never stops.
Of course for me, there’s still one nagging question: is that soon-to-be centenarian prophet who’s got the Big J in the Sky on speed dial trying to run away from a nickname?
Or is he running away from the baggage that comes with that nickname?
Obviously, you can’t change history. But if I were a member of that very white, very old and very male group of church leaders alongside Sir Russ M. Nelson in Salt Lake City, I would make a case for taking a good, hard look at the reasons why the name Mormon is so charged.
And start making changes from there.